The Dark Side of the Moon
Using darkness to light the path to personal transformation
As the light of the sun begins a new solar cycle today at Winter Solstice, it seems ideal to offer a blog from Raising Spirit. To share my learnings from the year, I hope to bring courage, motivation and build awareness for anyone battling their own demons.
Invisible disabilities
Those that know me, have complimented this year by saying – “you look well”. Of course, considering I had brain surgery last year, I do look comparatively well but what can’t be seen are the invisible struggles I have to navigate each day.
My focus for 2022 was to work on myself – mainly due to having no choice. It has been a worthwhile but difficult journey, having to be brave and lean into much pain. Knowing it wasn’t going anywhere and that the only way to handle it was to experience it in the hope I’d come out the other side.
As humans we tend to avoid pain and move towards pleasure… running from difficult emotions by distracting or numbing ourselves – only to discover the feelings are still there.
My ‘looking well’ over the past year has involved but has not been limited to the following:
Insomnia, tiredness & lack of stamina
PTSD & psychological exhaustion treated by hardcore EMDR therapy
Fibromyalgia - muscular / skeletal aches & pains
Hypersensitivity, hyper vigilance, vision & balance issues
Who’s afraid of the dark?
Balanced with hopefulness and a desire and commitment to help yourself, the healing journey of sitting in the darkness is profoundly transformative. The first part of my recovery was physical but the unforeseen psychological aspects of handling the emotional silt that was stirred up due to going through a life changing near death experience has taken equal effort.
To heal you must first endure pain. It is a journey and a choice as to whether we embrace the healing or avoid it. However, the human experience - at either end of the spectrum - leads to a degree of discomfort and it is from this place we can find a chance to grow.
What this year has shown me is that by reaching into discomfort you can find light.
The unpleasant thoughts and feelings which are often avoided in the human experience - due to being labelled as bad - lead to pure alchemy.
Here comes the light
I could not have anticipated the extent to which I would have to work on my recovery following brain surgery. Ramifications ensued across all aspects of my life. Impacting literally every relationship, my livelihood, my parenting, my physical state and abilities and my psychological wellbeing.
What I have learnt is that from being within your pain that healing is possible on levels unseen and intangible. It is possible to transmute discomfort that impacts our wellbeing across all levels, psychologically, physically and emotionally and from this transformative place we grow.
By allowing ourselves to feel our emotions and experience our own darkness we develop and our view and perspective can change allowing for a new expression of ourselves.
As with nature on the winter solstice what comes forth is the light. The key is not in letting darkness overwhelm our lives and our thoughts but in understanding that darkness can be one of the greatest catalysts for personal growth and transformation there is.
On this special day as the year draws to a close and we have extended darkness, I’d like to thank everyone who has been part of my journey or worked with me this year. I wish everyone a magnificent darkest night to transform and find the light.
I urge you -
explore the dark side of the moon
Love Clare x
A new moon
If you live a spiritual life, the new moon is an opportunity for new beginnings. It’s a chance for a fresh perspective and allows you to close the door on matters that are no longer serving you. As a cornerstone to what I practise, establishing a cycle of setting goals, intentions, practicing self-care and focusing on gratitude is essential. It is with this mindset that I have taken the decision to share my story. So that I might close the door on an epic period of my life and along with the moon start anew.
So, this blog is a culmination of a tremendous journey to date with Raising Spirit and marks a fresh start. I also hope it will provide inspiration to those going through their own journeys, that you too can close doors and start again, regardless of what life is throwing at you.
The Luna cycle - Review, Reflect & Revise
In the beginning, Raising Spirit was born in reaction to the situation I faced with my non-neurotypical, SEND (special educational needs), child as a single working mum. My mission became to support others to navigate the emotional pitfalls of the journey and provide a service and information pool to that end. I offered coaching, reflexology and workshops and consulted as part of Harley Street private mental health teams and within other clinics to support families. There is a book which will be available to buy early next year.
Some six years later, the nature of the business has evolved - as life has carried me forward to work with some incredible clients and gain experience both personally and professionally – the time now has called for transformation.
I have been given an opportunity to start a new in life and this is a theme that will be running throughout my work moving forwards. There will be more about the ‘new’ Raising Spirit in due course, for now this is closure on the past and something I feel I need to share so that I can move on.
Meningioma
The prognosis in December 2020 was a slow and painful death or a huge brain surgery that may or may not save my life and could last up to 18 hours with all sorts of risks and horrendous possibilities. The diagnosis came in the middle of the pandemic with my child at home whilst I attempted to home school and struggle through. I was told to write a Power of Attorney and a Will and inform social services. As a single parent to a SEND child, I had a life-threatening diagnosis, the circumstances were dismal and I would undoubtedly need help.
The impact would ripple throughout my life, my relationships, friendships, family, my personal identity, business, parenting and all the rest - of course as is often the case with a SEND child, nothing could have led me to anticipate the social injustice and discrimination that we would encounter.
It has now been 14 months since my world started ‘closing down’. My body was stopping to perform basic tasks and my inner knowing said this is gonna be big!
What I have witnessed and survived is not only sheer agony on all levels but years of deteriorating health on a par with experiencing the declining health of old age but as a 40 year old woman - all my capacities slowly deteriorating – indeed a slow and painful death.
This all simultaneously ran alongside one of the most harrowing mental ordeals a parent could imagine. Not only stuck in the middle of a pandemic, isolated with a life-threatening, deteriorating health condition, I had no provisions in place to care for my son and was systematically gaslit by my local authority. Undisputable social injustice – staggering discrimination and total systemic failure.
I’m sharing this in the context of Raising Spirit in the hope that every piece of information shared and every little step each of us can take to go up against the system and change it for the better will add value somewhere and encourage others to do the same wherever they can.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to act in the presence of fear – Bruce Lee
Find the courage to fight for what you need
The day of my diagnosis I had received a call from Social Services – the school had referred us based on my pleas for help, I couldn’t perform basic tasks and did not know where to turn. Fast forward 3 months and no help had come. Social worker after social worker, literally hundreds of emails and phone calls and nothing.
The psychological turmoil was insane. How was my child going to be looked after? Let alone would I survive it. What would be the state of me afterwards? It was as if I was living a lie, a strange and surreal reality or was it a joke? The system was not taking me seriously!
With nowhere to turn other than the system for help, my choices were limited and due to the long-term nature of my sons’ complex special educational needs and my health the only answer was to fight for his legal right – to access appropriate care and education.
A patchwork of temporary provisions for my son with friends and relatives was hashed together as a complaint was raised. What ensued was a further 8 months of anguish and stress and continuous admin, upset and torment alongside crushing physical pain and sleep deprivation whilst I attempted to recover from eleven hours of brain surgery. Eventually, we reached Stage 3 of the Statutory Complaints Process, just short of appealing to the Local Government Ombudsman.
Almost one year after surgery, I posted to my Face Book friends: After 14 months of emotional and mental torture at the hands of a system that obstructed the well-being of a child and parent in need, I have been officially compensated with a full apology and the needs of my child finally acknowledged and met.
I had not slept a full night since December 2020 with insomnia exasperated by severe stress in relation to our circumstances which traumatised me and heavily impeded my recovery. The journey I had been exposed to was not only cruel, but pure discrimination, gas lit by the system in place to supposedly help us!
It took an MP, a charity, an advocate, a school with highly specialist therapists, our GP, a paediatric consultant, a neurosurgeon and other independent medical and educational professionals to stand against the system and insist on giving us help. Yet despite all this noise, the system did not prove fit for purpose.
My son was taken into emergency respite residential at his school whilst I was admitted for surgery. Our circumstances were seriously exasperated due to a catalogue of catastrophic systematic incompetence. A factually incorrect and highly concerning Section 17 was issued by the local authority, (now almost 5 months following the original referral) – however its main ambition was clearly to prevent my son accessing the support he needed. A second complaint had to be raised. I was being forced to repeat myself and face humiliation and extraordinary psychological stress repeatedly. At its worst, I was threatened by social services that my child would be taken from me if I could not provide for his needs at home.
An official statutory investigation was initiated by an independent body into the conduct of local authority but by July the process was delayed due to an inadequate response from key staff and managers. This meant yet further protracted rehabilitation for me.
The summer holidays arrived with no plan in place, but I had managed to find the Charity Skylarks - which began advocacy along with my local government MP insisting on support. As a two-prong attack got underway via Skylarks advocacy supporting with the legalities of the EHCP paperwork via tribunal services SENDIST together with the Independent Investigation of the Local Authority’s conduct.
The local authority was found at fault of 45 working days of inaction. However, despite the appalling conduct, the professionals involved still attempted to not uphold the findings. This forced the escalation of the complaint to another panel hearing.
In December 2021, an entire year later at Stage 3 of the corporate complaints procedure the local authority finally conceded on all counts. They were ordered to meet the needs of the child as well as provide continued evidence of improvements to the system and protocols.
Parent Blame Culture
The blame culture that is interlaced within our social services systems is disgraceful. Regardless of the needs of the child being thoroughly documented and my extensive efforts to get help we faced discrimination at every turn.
The fact I was a white educated person who could communicate my child’s needs was against me. It is assumed that people who can fight and communicate do not have any needs and are trying to swindle the system. This was despite full medical reports and evidence of being a single parent with a life-threatening health condition. It was also communicated off the record that as I had expressed a need for my son to access residential care ahead of my diagnosis (which was based on his extensive and complex needs), that I was using the ‘excuse’ of a brain tumour to handily get what I wanted!
This is the extent of the system and the discrimination that exists within it. Not only were my sons needs justification enough for the support he finally now has in place with his EHCP, but the additional impact of my health meant he was in fact at risk and no one did anything about it. Now try to imagine the plight of families and children when someone doesn’t have a voice…
If you read this far, please donate to https://www.skylarks.charity a truly incredible charity for families of SEND children. In addition, for further information about brain tumours the incredible work of https://www.thebraintumourcharity.org/ without which I would not be able to write this blog today. Finally, for parents struggling with EHCPs and the system please contact Amanda Sokell https://www.navigatingneurodiversity.life/
The Power of a Spotless Mind
Turning something dark and heavy and hard into something light and bright and joyful, I’m happy to be offering some of my time to Skylarks to fundraise at their events. In addition, I’m looking forward to taking my experience into Raising Spirit in a positive and fresh new way.
My intention now is to create a space that helps people to build the life they desire. Supporting relational, emotional, and mental health in this view creates a transformative energy that allows for positive experience. Identification with your future rather than your circumstances and past.
Finally, to offer inspiration - if you’d like to start something new and different, using the phases of the moon does not mean you have to believe in magic. Regardless of your faith it is a fantastic way to create a positive mindset, release and let go of what no longer serves or supports you and manifest a positive future.
Look up, look forward and move toward the direction you want to go!
Watch this space..
Peace out
Love Cx
Group Coaching - A systemic approach to mental health and well-being which offers a foundation of integrated support in your school or workplace
As the government announces that schools and workplaces are to re-open we are all faced with the prospect of how to get back to the new normal. What impact Covid 19 has had on each of us and how best to move forward from life as we knew it. The question is ‘how’? How can each of us navigate this unprecedented situation in a supported, healthy and positive way?
As we start to edge our way forwards - be it in an educational capacity, professionally or socially - it is going to be more important than ever to consider mental health and well-being. The way that recent circumstances have impacted us all will be different and unique to our own point of reference. We will all be affected by Coronavirus despite our experience of it - purely because of our experience of it! And because we will have all experienced it differently, we will have all coped differently….
Not feeling bold enough, strong enough, able enough, confident enough on your own – come together. The collective makes it ok. Together the journey is more manageable.
Pooling experience and resource
The different ways we have each coped high-lights one of the fundamental benefits of group coaching - how a committed group of individuals can collectively combine knowledge and collaborative intelligence to help one another. No matter if it is a group of students, professionals, employees or staff. Each group offers a collective consciousness that is developed and will support the group - literally pooling knowledge to help raise spirits.
Prevention is better than cure
We have all had different lockdown experiences so our journey back to normal will be different too. As we reset, a shared understanding of the Covid 19 experience, will allow for individuals to feel less alone - and to air worries, anxieties, concerns or even aspirations. As we all adjust and plan how to handle it, Group or Team sessions (offered to students, colleagues, peers, families, employees and parents) are one valuable avenue of processing and recalibrating.
Coaching offers observations and reflections, ensuring any patterns are noticed and learnings are taking place. A powerful group - where everyone plays a part and finds their voice - can transform wellbeing and mental health. A truly simple, yet effective platform.
Optimal results for kids
Many parents have seen a deterioration in their children’s mental health since lockdown. Kids and young adults have a basic need for contact and human interaction. Unfortunately those that were prone to issues mood swings and fragile emotions - will have been impacted more.
Low self-esteem, social difficulties and worries to do with missing school (or the unpredictability of the circumstances) are just a few of the issues that may impact education. Addressing these issues - will provide a powerful intervention to support the return to well-being and mental health. In addition, peer support is inherent and actively encouraged to create a culture throughout the school which offers fully integrated help and benefits.
How does it work?
Each session is facilitated by a coach as well as supported by a tandem coach. There are 8 group members in total so a minimum of 4 additional sessions are suggested with each session taking place at fortnightly intervals. If it is identified that an individual is struggling then one-to-one coaching sessions are offered as well as well as the possibility of referral to positive psychology practise or referrals to other professionals as required.
As a whole, the group becomes resourceful and creative and collaborative!
Coaching programmes & individual packages
Through Group Coaching ‘collective’ or ‘collaborative’ intelligence is enabled which means as a whole the group becomes resourceful, creative and collaborative. In schools this means that emotional literacy is accelerated.
Depending on requirements the programme can be customised to work on common themes beyond Covid 19. Some themes and goals for coaching are below. Each goal or theme can be integrated accordingly. With Group Coaching being structured and customised according to your needs as an organisation. Outcomes can be identified in discussion as a group.
Common themes & goals
Confidence and self-esteem
Career passion and direction
Resilience and reflection
Building personal power
Individual and collective awareness
Engagement in group purpose
Personal responsibility/accountability
Clarity and choice in way the group functions
Emotional awareness and behavioural agility
Reflection through appreciative inquiry
Group coaching builds trust, clarity and engagement through a blend of system awareness (the system the group is working in).
Covid 19 Program for peer support (tailored as required)
The first session focuses on creating boundaries and psychological safety for the group. Rules will be established and agreed between all members with discussion as to what each person would like to achieve. The commitment from the group will be discussed along with general conversation facilitated by coach to build a supportive group dynamic and ensure everyone is involved and on-board.
An example session of coach coaching for everyone to experience will be offered between coach and tandem coach to demonstrate the process for subsequent sessions. Everyone will be invited to observe, ask questions and reflect.
Session 0 – Introduction to Group Coaching
The process, structure and the meaning behind doing it
Key themes that may be worked around
What are we here for
Mission – how we get there
Contract and co-create, commitment, rules, confidentiality, safety
How will we make it work – who goes first
Demonstration of coaching
Group invited to share ideas and observations
Benefitting from being there, how coach coaching someone else can benefit you
Vision of what we want to have achieved by the end
Creating Emotional Literacy
Written contract is signed by members
Group Reflection Time 20 mins
Session 1 to 4 - Learn from your group cohort as well as your own experiences
Each session, other than the Introductory session, offers an opportunity for 2 members to be coached and share their challenges with the group. Each session consists of the following (time scales can be adapted):
25x mins of 1-to-1 live coaching member no’1
40x mins of group work
25x mins of 1-to-1 live coaching member no’2
40x mins of group work
20x mins of reflection time and discussion whole group
In total, two people per session get coached for 25 mins and put out to group for 40 mins where everyone will have the opportunity to share, advise, question and support. Coach facilities and coaches, and coach tandem witnesses coach as well as gently interjecting when required. Coach and tandem coach support one another to optimise the growth of the group between sessions.
At each stage the group can review and assess how everyone is feeling and adjust the contract and rules if required / should objective change.
A sixth session can be offered to conclude the coaching course and for group discussion to close off the course.
I can do things you cannot. You can do things I cannot. Together we can do great things!
Mother Teresa
Explore your inner light to keep your stress in check and boost immunity
In my last blog – I started looking at some ideas for maintaining good mental health in times of Covid 19. I began to explore the idea of connection with your inner light. How we react to what goes on around us has a great impact on our general health and the strength of our immune system.
Ongoing stress can lower your immunity and make you more likely to become ill due to our endocrine systems releasing various hormones which get us into a state of fight or flight - ready for an emergency but at the same time supressing our immune systems. The current state of stress and perspective around the uncertainty of Corona Virus will be hugely implicating many of us right now.
The good news is that this is something we can influence.
Common problems:
I’m starting to feel under pressure
I’m finding myself snapping at the kids or partner
I’m feeling anxiety in my body
I’m experiencing unhelpful thinking that is leading to frustration
I am finding myself in a panic, worrying or getting my mind in a stir
I have physical palpitations and other discomfort in my body like IBS symptoms, headaches and dizziness
I am having trouble sleeping
I need to find ways of coping with my sadness, loss and grief
I have no time. Life is too busy with too many demands and I’m overwhelmed
Prevention is better than cure …
There are many ways to describe the practice of exploring your inner light. The principle reason to start doing it is that it can help you to find some perspective. You can, by starting to practise some of the methods described here, begin to train your brain. Which means you are actively re-programming what you are thinking, and in turn, your stress response and immunity!
With these types of practises and all complementary healthcare, including reflexology, the idea is not to wait until you feel your life is falling apart but to use these methods as a preventative strategy. Refuel the car before it runs out of petrol. It’s the famous oxygen mask analogy of fit it on yourself first and then you can help others. Unfortunately, many complementary therapies that would be beneficial are not accessible right now. However these practices will empower you to work on yourself and bring benefit to stressful and intense times.
“Here is a new spiritual practice for you: don't take your thoughts too seriously.”
Eckhart Tolle
It has long been said that every thought that enters the mind eventually finds a place in the body where it bears the burden. I call it the physiology of thought or thoughts manifesting themselves physically. I have experienced much of this in my own story and with many of my clients. Your mindset is everything. Your perspective is the most powerful thing you can control. In the last blog I discussed that it is, in fact, one of the very few things you can control.
These practises will support you and wield incredible benefits. You will find the treasure in the shit storm, the opportunity in the difficulty. The lessons that await you that will create growth and that will help to keep you well.
When you can’t control what’s happening – control the way you respond to what’s happening, for that is where your power is!
You may resonate to one of these ideas more than the others. I have used them all and a combination of a few at different times for different reasons. The fact is, no matter which method you chose, if you practise just one, you will feel better.
Sitting in silent contemplation / meditation
The benefits of sitting in silence and listening to your thinking. You are able to notice what thoughts you are having and start to actively, consciously control them. Either by adding one of the below methods or by rationalising and making logical choices. Ask yourself questions to enable more awareness. (Please see previous blog for questions). Alternatively, you can try to quiet your mind by focusing on your breathing or by starting to practise meditation. One example that is nice to try for beginners is the tea meditation below.
Tea meditation
Taking your cup of tea in your hands you feel the warmth of the teacup on your palms and notice the warm sensation moving up your arms. Very slowly bring the cup to your mouth and before sipping feel the warmth of the steam on your face, smell the tea, actively explore all the sensations ahead of putting the cup to your mouth. Once you take a sip, instead of swallowing immediately, use all your senses to investigate how the tea feels in your mouth, how it tastes in your mouth. Really notice it. Swirl it around before swallowing. Concentrate on how the liquid feels travelling down your throat, into your belly – pay close attention as if you were running in slow motion. How does it make the rest of your body feel? Before you take another sip explore the senses again. Then repeat the above but do it as slowly and as mindfully as you can.
Tapping into a practise of daily gratitude
Simply recognising what you have in your life to be grateful for - as opposed to complain about - can really help to switch a chip in your brain. There is always something to be grateful for - no matter how small or how challenging life may feel. Challenge yourself to write a daily gratitude list of 20 things each day and see how much more positive you feel after a week.
Breath work
There are lots of disciplines for this including yoga and qi gong and other movement classes that encourage you to breath. One simple technique that will help to calm you is to simply focus on each inhalation and exhalation. Take a deep inhale and extend your belly out like a balloon filling up with air. When you exhale the balloon empties and your belly goes back to normal. Repeat this cycle a few times laying down. There is an energy centre just below your navel and I recommend gently laying your hands on this part of the body whilst you do this. It helps to feel the belly expand with each breath and helps you to focus.
Journaling
This is writing your feelings, triggers and frustrations or thoughts down on a page and asking yourself questions about them. It’s basically having a written conversation with yourself. You may also prefer to do a flow of consciousness – this is where you simply write out whatever comes to you and see where you end up. Either way, this process is remarkably cleansing and clarifying.
Grounding and Visualizations
These are tricky if you find it challenging to visualise – so some people find it easy and for others it can be more difficult. Visualisation for me is a bit like daydreaming. I envision things I might aspire to in my life and try to feel in alignment with the thoughts. Grounding is the ability to anchor oneself and bring attention to the soles of the feet. This in turn helps to bring the energy down from your head - where it can create all sorts of chaos if not channelled in a helpful way. This anchoring or grounding enables you to stay centred. However, it does also require some ability to visualise. The most popular is to imagine roots growing out the soles of your feet – like a tree grounding with its roots down into the earth.
Relaxing deeply & allowing yourself to slow down
This is really just about remembering to take some time out. It could be a bath, some gentle yoga or movement which taps into your body’s innate ability to heal. Endorphins and hormones in your body will assist you with a greater feeling of wellbeing as well as the accomplishment of doing something physical. Self-compassion and self-care mean creating healthy boundaries for YOU. If you can’t do anything else on the list be sure to spend some time doing something for YOU every day.
Eating healthy food & drinking / Eating fluids mindfully
An age-old practise which can be used to build a greater sense of awareness. When you really slow down and eat or drink something mindfully you help your mind to STOP. You focus on how you are in that moment, focusing on the food or drink takes your mind away from the anticipation or expectation or fear. See tea meditation above for an example – you will be able to adapt it to food for yourself.
Wilful powerful positive affirmations or mantras
Saying something helpful to yourself over and over again will help to re-programme your mind. In the past, I have used various mantras to help lift myself from depression or anxieties around various challenges. You could set a reminder on your phone to help you to remember to embed them in your brain. More often than not, I have literally made them up - depending on what I have needed at the time. Just be sure the language is all positive. An example: I am calm, healthy balanced and full of joy. OR I am open to welcoming positive changes into my life.
“The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, and the only thing you need to recover from is a fractured sense of self.”
Marianne Williamson
The practices I have shared here, really are a whistle stop tour of some of the most helpful methods I have used in the past to connect with my inner light. I hope that they will help you to find ways to support yourself independently and all at no financial cost. They are a way of resetting the programme and getting some perspective on any problems you may be facing today or any day.
The methods are just some examples and ways to reduce anxiety, get some distance and control the gremlins taking over your mind day-to-day. One of my favourite sayings is ‘Meditate for 10 minutes a day and if you do not have the time, meditate for 2 hrs.’ We all have busy lives but following this advice is sound. The more time you take to ‘check in’ with yourself when you feel fractures will provide you with more time with mental clarity.
The more crisis and chaos that is going on in your life, the more these techniques can help you. When the going gets tough the best way to take care of yourself, build resilience and keep fighting a good fight, is to increase self-compassion and self-care so that you do not become so easily overwhelmed.
Furthermore, continued practice can open up deeper ways to access your inner light, deeper knowing and knowledge and build up your intuitive mind - which in time will assist you further toward a healthy perspective and mind set.
Remember it’s okay to not be okay
The ambition is to recognise it, practise self-compassion and make a choice to help yourself by doing something towards improving it. This is something - that due to my personal circumstances - has been an evolving way of life for many years and has also been of great value to many of the reflexology and coaching clients I have worked with.
If you need more examples or detail, please contact me at Raising Spirit.
Empower yourself and try find some head space to tap into you and check in.
Ideas on how to maintain good mental health in times of uncertainty and COVID 19
FINDING TREASURE IN THE UNEXPECTED!
I think everyone can safely agree that this is a shit storm situation! As it turns out, when I started thinking about my personal coping mechanisms for handling shit storms, I figured it might be valuable for others if I shared. The current situation we are all facing is one of uncertainty. This can be handled in a number of ways, panic being at one end of the spectrum along with fear and calm at the other. In panic we achieve nothing but more stress, in a state of calm we can respond cohesively and responsibly. Perhaps something between the two is realistic. The ambition of this blog is to demonstrate through some of my personal examples of being faced with uncertainty, what I have learned and some ideas that may help.
I normally write specifically toward SEND (special education needs and disabilities) parents - who generally speaking have a more challenging time than other parents, but at this period of time, we are likely all facing tougher than usual circumstances and therefore this blog is for anyone and everyone who may be feeling challenged or struggling. I have therefore kept examples less SEND specific. It is my ambition to try and help as many as I can by sharing this. I’m hoping that by sharing some of my personal shit storms and periods of uncertainty, I can inspire and ignite ideas for coping and creating healthier perspectives and therefore happier realities for those in turmoil.
Our struggle in life develops our strengths
THE MENTAL HEALTH IMPACT OF CORONA
Unemployment, feelings of anxiety, worry, fear, sleepless nights, illness, isolation and economic ruin are part of the shit storm of COVID 19 and Corona lockdowns. They are also a few of the things I have fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), become familiar friends with over the years. All of which seem to be relevant with the current reality for many in today’s global pandemic situation.
It is here – right in the middle of a crisis - that we have a great opportunity (in my opinion), to uncover some of life’s most incredible gifts and insights. Epiphanies even, that will raise our awareness and self-development further than you thought imaginable. The struggles we face in life develop our strengths, through dealing and coping and in turn we build resilience. Resilience is built by being tested and as a result growth often occurs.
My experience of fear, anxiety and situations that have left me highly vulnerable in the past is helpful to me now and helpful for those I am working with - who are in a state of panic or depression. Over the years, I have had to adapt to coping in survival mode and this can be used to help illustrate some insights that might be helpful for others now in this period of great uncertainty.
INSIGHTS
Firstly, when my real journey of hard life experiences and lessons began, I had not learnt the key to self-compassion and for almost 10 years, I worked myself silly due to my belief system that I had to keep on going and keep fighting. That I ‘should’ be this and I ‘should’ be that. This took me to the point of complete breakdown, burn out, exhaustion, fatigue, depression and eventually fibromyalgia. I have learnt from experience. If you read no further than this, if there is one take-away I wish for everyone from writing this blog – it is to practise self-compassion.
BROKEN….
My learning curve of single parenting a SEND child following an abusive relationship left me broken on all levels:
Physical - due to a barbaric birth that was brutal on every level.
Mental - due to enduring abuse during and after the birth of my son.
Financial - due to being blackmailed and financially ruined.
Emotional - as I was left at the time with no option or choice (or so I thought) but to grieve a life I thought I had.
Spiritual - as I allowed myself to become victimised and disconnected from my spirit and soul purpose.
THE LEARNING CURVE….
What I came to realise was the following:
Physical - I could mentally choose to suffer in pain or instead focus on the small things I was able to do from one day to the next despite the pain.
Mental – I had to release myself from victim mentality and stop hating and resenting.
Financial - I had nothing. However, taking it day-by-day with small step progress I found my way through. Opportunities do come (even small ones) they add up and you survive. Perhaps not the way you ‘thought’ you would, but you learn to adapt none the less.
Emotional - I learnt that my emotions are my choice. There is always an option and choice. You have to look for it. Reset the gear and keep going in the direction that brings feelings and sensations that are less tense and more enjoyable.
Spiritual - to never let go of what fills me up and brings me joy. It is important to discover your creative pursuit and inner light. Mine is being of service to people and feeling like I am helping in some way to lighten perspectives.
Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.
Buddha
EXPLANATION
When I lost my old life, home and the plan I set out for myself I was distraught. I cried myself to sleep for months whilst I wrestled with acceptance at various stages of the process ... This was compounded further with the news that my son wasn’t meeting any of his early milestones and there were all sorts of things that weren’t happening the way they ‘should’. Nothing, and I mean nothing was going to plan. I was penniless and had no clue what I was going to do. The idea of literally everything in my life changing and starting from scratch with nothing (as I thought) and the future being so uncertain was terrifying. I had had my sight set on one eventuality and only one! This provided tunnel vision rather than perspective.
Right at the bottom of this particular shit storm, I had the epiphany of realising that everything I was mourning and missing was indeed an illusion - something I had attached my mind to! I was grieving a relationship that was never wholesome enough to be sustainable and a life that took me away from my closest friends and family. I had expected and assumed I would have a baby that would not only be fathered but also would develop and grow and perform ‘as expected’. I was living out some sort of comforting familiar hell. Comfort as I knew what I was dealing with, I had certainty about it. It was somehow safer than the uncertain.
I had no idea of the insights and learning the shit storm would teach me. How out of shit actually comes the most amazing treasures, growth and understanding. An opportunity for self-awareness and development.
RESILIENCE AROUND UNCERTAINTY
You may wonder what any of this has to do with Corona Virus. In my view, the journey and the hard times that I have been through have helped me to build resilience around uncertainty. How to feel pain and chose not to suffer (at least not for long). How when faced with adversity not to spiral into depression due to my circumstances but look for ways to switch my thoughts. To look at what I can do.
What I have learnt through practise and experience is that staying present and not delving into trying to prophesize the future with any attachment is the only way for me to maintain a healthy emotional state.
I have learnt that there is no such thing as being in ‘control’ and that in actual fact there is always a principle of uncertainty. For me at least, the best way to survive, when I’ve been in crisis and all around is uncertainty and chaos (that could easily become overwhelming) is to be aware of my thinking and thoughts - to ensure that what I am thinking is constructive not destructive.
I have learnt that regardless of what is going on around me, how I feel and think about something and how it impacts me IS within my control. What is outside of my control is everything else.
The mind is the source of happiness and unhappiness
TRANSFORMATIVE THOUGHTS
For me, this journey never ends and whilst I do not want to diminish the global pandemic we are currently looking at, I wholeheartedly feel that focusing on steps you can take rather than steps you can’t, creates a mind shift. Going from an attitude of I can instead of I can’t which in turn switches the unpleasant physiology you experience to a physiology of ok and then to more than ok.
Even now, in the midst of a global pandemic there are opportunities for everyone. To find the courage and patience to sit with yourself, be triggered, stay with it and figure it out. To reconnect and check in with yourself more than you’ve ever had a chance to before. To be still. Instead of doing, doing, doing try being, being, being. How are you being today? Feel your being-ness. Explore it. It is fascinating.
In a nutshell, there is a choice - when faced with a shit storm - to be aware.
Are the thoughts you are having unhelpful thoughts that create unpleasant feelings and emotions and if so to change the thoughts!
COVID CONNECTION
With current circumstances, I’m questioning how many people right now feel the same about their lives at this time of turmoil as I did back then.
Yes, it’s unprecedented. I’m not denying the impact or horrendousness of what is occurring right now. Especially, for those in poverty who are unable to feed families, who are sick or are working on the frontlines.
I am however aware that everything that goes ‘wrong’ offers its own unprecedented resources and is completely relative to who you are as an individual and what is going on for you personally.
I hope my story can in some way inspire and help to illustrate the opportunities rather than lack of and to give comfort in the knowledge that if you look you will find positives and reassurance and even perhaps transformation.
Whatever we experience in life is only as hard as we make it…
COACHING QUESTIONS TO HELP
Are you looking for the lessons in your own relative experiences of this lockdown?
Have you found any interesting gems or treasures in your personal shit storm and experience of this pandemic situation?
Have you asked yourself - when you are most triggered, what is this about and what do I need to unpick?
How have you decided already how you are going to BE and feel? Can you reset that?
Does that feel good or bad?
What could you do right now to help you to be the best version of yourself?
How does it get better than it is right now and what can you do about it?
TOP TIPS
Avoid becoming addicted to a constant barrage of statistics and news
Practise self-compassion, this can come in many forms: a bath, a nap, a nice meal, some time out or by recognition that something you are doing is not making you feel good and doing something about it
Practise self-awareness – spend some time with the inner you
On the final point, there are many ways to do this. Connecting with your inner light will be both reassuring and insightful for you. It may not be easy to begin with – things that are new rarely are. I will be writing a separate blog which looks at how to do this in more detail for now here are some methods to consider.
INNER LIGHT CONNECTION
Some gentle yoga or stretching
Journaling your feelings and triggers and frustrations, asking yourself questions about them on the page
A quiet tea meditation – where you sit with a cuppa and focus purely on drinking it
Burning a candle and simply looking at it
Breathing mindfully and focusing on your breath
Anything that allows you to contemplate and free your mind from external distractions
IN CONCLUSION…
The mind is a powerful vehicle, which can be manipulated, tricked and attached to all sorts of assumptions, beliefs and ideas which in turn (as I’ve tried to demonstrate from my own experiences), can create illusions of comfortable familiarity. Even when they are not necessarily healthy or the best thing for us.
As in my case, the living hell that I was used to was my comfort - as it was certain! The uncertainty of what would become of me outside of that life was deeply traumatising. It took a long time to reset, as I didn’t have the experience and knowledge then that I have now. I had to go through it to learn how to do it. This blog is intended to offer food for thought on your journey now. If some of what I have been through can support you at all through this.
As the saying goes - happiness is not the destination it’s the journey! Find some happiness, insights, growth and knowledge on your journey with this. Can you look at it as an opportunity?
Change is never painful. Only resistance to change is painful.
Buddha
This could be the chance to bring about positive changes in the way we each live our lives. All we have to do is be open to it. I hope this helps to empower and ignite some inspiration of how to get through the next few weeks of lockdown and beyond.
To use the name of Raising Spirit to literally raise spirits and help you to feel better.
I am offering up to 50% discount on one-to-one coaching, team, group or family coaching throughout this period.
Please do get in touch if you feel I can support you.
Love Clare
How to ‘Hold It Together’ as a Special Needs Parent – Fighting a good Fight against your Local Education Authority
When my son was around 4 years old, I had to admit that I couldn’t do it alone and that I needed professional help! It’s been an ongoing battle ever since.
At that time, I secured a Statement of special educational needs, which later became the EHCP (education health and care plan). As I went about these tasks, I was confronted by one challenge after another and came to the obvious conclusion that there is a huge gaping whole and major lack of support for parents of non-neurotypical children.
The experience was highly emotional (amongst other things) and was the inspiration for launching Raising Spirit. My ambition, to support parents undergoing challenging circumstances using a combination of coaching, my experience in complimentary healthcare and specifically reflexology.
LOCAL EDUCATION AUTHORITY
Having battled with the local education authority (LEA), before to ensure my sons needs were properly described in his EHCP, I had some idea of what to expect in the fight for a specialist secondary school.
However, my previous experience had left me with chronic fatigue and exhaustion - as a single working mum my life had got on top of me. Due to the stress and strain and working long hours, I had thyroid issues caused by adrenal burnout. So, this time, I planned to increase the self-care as I set about requesting updates to his EHCP and work towards secondary
I have my book (available soon) and coaching programme – A six-step, self help guide for parents of non-neuro typical kids. How to do more than ‘survive’ as a SEN Parent. However, despite that knowledge, just one whisper of the LEA is enough to send shivers down my spine. My stomach literally turns with anguish and anxiety.
SEN Parenting - mental, emotional and physical health
Parenting a child with special needs - be it a physical disability, a learning, emotional or behavioural challenge (diagnosed or undiagnosed) with ADHD, PDA or Autism or any other related challenge - all increases the demands of parenting.
Research has shown a huge impact on parental wellbeing: increased problems with family and marital relationships, parent-child relationships, reduced parenting abilities, increased levels of stress and or mental health complications.
In my case, it has meant that I now suffer with a condition called Fibromyalgia. A chronic condition of widespread pain and profound fatigue. It falls into the bracket of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and impedes my ability to function as I once did. My parenting journey has impacted my health and the story is similar for what is estimated at over a quarter of special needs parents.
Across the national news and the internet forums there are hundreds of articles discussing the practicalities and impact of being a SEN parent. Some have argued that PTSD is not a correct diagnosis for these groups and that Chronic Traumatic Stress Disorder would be more appropriate. We are living in it – day in day out - caught in a continuous cycle of anxiety and trauma, fear, guilt and stress. Constantly advocating for our children as well as trying to support them the best we can. On top of this we have to fight tooth and nail to access support and navigate the NHS, education system, social care system and other public services.
THE LOCAL OFFER
My most recent experience of our local authority included: my son’s case erroneously being closed down; reports and assessments strangely going missing; phantom letters being sent and never received; multiple changes in case workers; waiting months for any progress to be made; and discovering that the LEA had consulted with a local school - who officially offered him a place! This may seem like a satisfactory end to a challenging time but not when you consider the school could not meet his needs and would prevent me from doing my job.
After all the months of trauma I found myself in what felt like a hopeless situation. A Panel of strangers from the local authority would make a decision that would put my ability to work in jeopardy.
AVOIDING TRIBUNAL
Trying to defend our case, I relentlessly tried to make contact with the Head Teacher of said school to no avail. For 7 days I called, emailed, left messages and pleaded to be heard. I sought the advice of a colleague - Amanda Sokell an Advocate who supports parents with knowledge of legislation and legal rights https://community.amandasokell.com/
Amanda’s practical advice was priceless, amongst other things, she suggested a co-production meeting ahead of the SEN Panel. This would ensure the case worker was fully informed of our case and my son’s specific needs.
This literally saved my bacon and eventually allowed us to avoid Tribunal. As a result of the relentless fight to be heard and the torment that went along with it my health was exacerbated. With more and more stress, tension and anxiety building in my body, I was in tremendous pain - which in the end meant I needed more help through medication. I was also financially hard up due to being self employed and enduring a massive loss of income. Some spend up to £30,000 on legal fees to get some level of peace of mind around the ordeal – not a financial commitment afforded to me.
Short term, the impact of handling the LEA meant I was in pain, my mental health was suffering, I had high levels of anxiety which created more tension and pain and I was needing to medicate. To top it off my parenting abilities were impacted due to my health and my stress levels hitting the roof. Long term the implications of my son not getting the right school were life destroying and devastating.
WALKING THE RAISING SPIRIT TALK
My choice has been to use alternative channels such as homeopathy and holistic treatments to support my health. However, I’ve always advocated – that a combination of pharma and complimentary healthcare provides balance. For the past few months, I’ve had to compromise on my ideals and go with the mind frame of needs must! The medication alongside my usual entourage of supplements, homeopathy, yoga, vitamins, hot baths, crystals, good nutrition and positive thinking certainly helped.
TOP TIPS FOR SURVIVAL
Do something for yourself every day - a walk, a bath, a nice meal - whatever you can to give yourself some nourishment
Yoga or gentle stretching to get some head space and tune in to your body
Meditation
Talking to friends - sharing the load
Asking for help - find someone who has been through it or understands the law
Going to the doctor - if you need medication to help see you through - do it!
Get enough sleep, parent YOU as well
If you can, get coached – awareness is crucial. How you are doing? What is your next step?
Have positive friends that help lift you up – avoid anyone who doesn’t!!
Stay strong, focus on the outcome needed, don’t take no for an answer and keep going
Remember everything is transient, this too will pass
EMBRACE THE CHAOS, ITS ONLY TEMPORARY
Witnessing my life spin out of control, battling the system, parenting and managing my own health condition whilst attempting to work meant much of my self-care ritual went out the window. This in turn made my health condition harder to manage and one thing led to another!
As a coach, I’ve worked extensively on myself, which I’ve developed into my Six Step programme specifically for SEN Parents. However, at the hardest of times, with the best will in the world things get on top of you!
I can’t stress enough the importance of self-care but also community. Without compassion and understanding and feeling you are not alone you can easily downward spiral. For this, I have an amazing circle of friends. There is no food, exercise or self-care regime that can replace them. To have a community is to be heard, it’s a foundational human need.
COMMUNITY AND FRIENDS
I advocate for the non-neurotypical community and for SEN families. My personal experience brings a great deal to the work I do. Supporting parents undergoing challenging circumstances is my passion.
The reality is that the education, social care and health departments - that were once trusted to advocate and help families - are unfortunately so deprived of budgets that they are using whatever strategy possible to not support children in need. Unfortunately, the lives of families having the hardest time are made harder by the very support systems that were put in place to support them.
My story is not uncommon – I was fighting to not be forced to give up work and rely on the state and benefits system.
NEW - GROUP COACHING COMMUNITY
Taking my most recent experience forward, to be able to inspire and help others, Raising Spirit is about to launch a group coaching programme. More information will be coming soon. Group Coaching provides the opportunity to work together, to connect and feel supported – to be heard and to have a community.
I have been so lucky with my friends – always offering plenty of hugs and understanding. My ambition will be to duplicate my friend circle with the professional coaching, knowledge share, compassion and understanding that will come from other SEN Parents. Together Stronger!
How reflexology & coaching help depression and anxiety
support FOR the entire family using a coupling of coaching & reflexology
Many individuals, adults and children, both typical and non-neurotypical (those with special educational needs) are suffering from anxiety and related issues. With recent news coverage indicating that half of the UK population take at least one prescribed medication, how can coaching and reflexology help?
Coaching may help to clarify exactly what is going on for you, sometimes just verbalising how you are feeling can be helpful. Through coaching you can identify the symptoms and evaluate the measures you might take to help manage it. Anxiety can effect all of us in different ways and there are many symptoms:
What is anxiety?
Some of the most common symptoms include:
Constant and obsessive worrying
Feeling overwhelmed and or wanting to cry all the time
Obsessive and repetitive thoughts
Wildly fluctuating emotions
Difficulty remembering things
Insomnia
Digestive transit issues
Feeling tense and difficulty relaxing
There are many options available and coaching may help to identify which treatment or range of treatments would be most appropriate for the specific individual in question.
A recent NHS survey of more than 8,000 adults shows one quarter of people are on at least three drugs. The survey also suggests rising numbers of people are suffering mental health problems, with a doubling in rates of distress among young men in the last five years. Overall, levels were found to be highest among women aged 16 to 24, with 28 per cent thought to be likely to be suffering from conditions such as depression and anxiety.
Talking therapies can be very valuable and combined with complimentary therapy such as reflexology, there is every chance that the anxiety symptoms can be reduced without the need of medication.
What is reflexology?
Reflexology is a calming and relaxing complementary therapy in which thumb and finger pressure is applied to the feet or hands. Importantly, reflexology is a holistic therapy which means it aims to treat the whole person to provide physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. It is a natural, non-invasive and drug free therapy which may be used alongside traditional medical care to support client health.
It is estimated that around 75% of illness can be attributed to stress. Long term stress can have serious effects on the body such as a less efficient immune system, headaches & migraines, digestive complaints, anxiety, and sleep problems. Reflexology helps to counteract the effects of stress by promoting deep relaxation, improving blood and lymph circulation, relaxing muscles, stimulating nerve pathways, improving sleep and bringing balance back to the body. Reflexology helps your body to achieve its own healthy balance and support the body in its process of self-healing.
A course of Reflexology is a non-invasive way to aid relaxation and manage stress levels to combat anxiety related symptoms. The treatment is profoundly relaxing and over time the patient is able to reach a very deep and relaxed state of being. As the feet work as a mirror of the body a professional reflexologist is able to stimulate each and every organ, muscle, gland and body system in order to work holistically – treating both the symptoms and the cause. In this way Reflexology works the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects and treats the person as a whole. The symptoms are not treated in isolation but holistically to balance the system and help your return to good health and wellbeing.
What is Coaching?
Used as a talking therapy coaching empowers people to find their own solutions to challenges. It is forward thinking and focuses on identifying mindset, beliefs, behaviours, or habits that may not be working and then taking the necessary positive steps to resolve the difficulties. Coaching and Reflexology work very well together and complement each other.
When reflexology is coupled with coaching or another talking therapy (depending on what is most appropriate for the individual), stress is reduced and insights uncovered to allow a greater understanding of the triggers associated with an individuals anxiety and practical measures can be put into place. Hand reflexology for self treatment can also be used in between sessions in order to manage your response to your anxiety symptoms yourself. One technique that many find useful is to develop the habit of working the solar plexus point on the hands from the moment you start to feel anxious.
Specific Reflex Points to Relieve Anxiety
Solar plexus – One of the most valuable reflex points to learn as a means of controlling anxiety symptoms. Working the solar plexus point will enhance feelings of well being, can reduce the sensation of butterflies in your stomach, encourage you to breath slower and deeper and generally calm down all the physical indications of stress.
Head & brain reflexes – Working these can help to control any sense of being overwhelmed, and will encourage clear thinking and a more balanced approach to your problems. Working these areas will also help you to concentrate more effectively and to be less distracted when you are trying to learn or absorb something new.
Stomach – work the stomach reflex areas if your symptoms include nausea, ‘butterflies’ or changes in your appetite.
Small intestines & colon – These are worth concentrating on if you are also experiencing irritable bowel symptoms.
Adrenals – If you have been experiencing anxiety symptoms for some time, then it is likely that your adrenal reflex areas will be quite painful when worked. Working the adrenal reflexes in this way can encourage your adrenal glands to adjust their production of the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol.
Pineal – The pineal gland is responsible for the sleep-wake cycle of the body. This reflex will help if you are struggling with insomnia or other sleep-related symptoms.
Pituitary – The pituitary reflex is found close to the centre of the big toe. The pituitary gland is one of the most important endocrine glands and is closely linked to the body’s stress response. This reflex point will help reduce any anxiety symptoms as well as help to adjust your body’s response to stress.
How does coaching help parents of children with special needs
EMOTIONS OF PARENTING CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS
The journey of parenting is a tough one regardless of what sort of child you parent. There are all sorts of emotions to handle, guilt, worry, anxiety, competitiveness, feelings of fear, frustration or even resentment. Of course, there are the positive emotions too but we tend not to focus on those when life gets challenging. It’s the ‘hard’ stuff that we put under the magnifying glass and can often lead us to a place of overwhelm. Balancing money worries, work commitments our own health, friendships, sleep and wellness.
Now, magnify all of that bigger, and bigger and bigger and bigger. Then you can start to imagine what life as a parent raising a child who has ‘special needs’ might involve. Special needs could mean the child is on the autistic spectrum or have physical, emotional, social, developmental or behavioural challenges. It means that what you might ‘usually’ expect from your child – what you had planned for – is unlikely to be happening. It also means that it is most likely that alongside one challenge or disability or delay there are any number of other challenging factors as a result.
As anyone knows, parenting was never meant to be an easy journey but when the usual mile stones are not met and words like developmental delay are voiced it brings with it a vast array of complex feelings and emotions for the parent of a child with special needs. Fears, exhaustion, helplessness and loneliness to name a few. Quite often the system and society we live in contributes to this further - leading to more anxiety, stress and worry. A lack of compassion or understanding from your partner, family or school. Or balancing the needs of a special needs child and their sibling. Quite often this is all impacted further due to having to pursue different types of support - from social services, the national healthcare system or the educational system.
COACHING FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS
Some of the issues that you may be challenged by as a parent of a child with special needs include:
Fully accepting their needs
Becoming your child’s campaigner and advocate
Handling the education system or healthcare system
Establishing a routine or lifestyle that best supports you and your child
Connecting to yourself and fully understanding your fears
Creating awareness in your child’s school, peer group or your own peer group or family
Coaching can be used as a space from which a clear sense of direction can be identified. A place where you ask ‘what now’ and ‘how’ and look at your options in a supportive partnership which will assist you in identifying the hurdles and emotional pitfalls and lead you to discover more empowering ways to live your life.
HOW COACHING HELPS PARENTS
Coaching can help you to become more self-aware and enable you to identify thoughts, patterns and beliefs that are not serving you as a parent. Coaching can help you to find the areas of your life that are impacting your relationship with your child and support you to connect with them more fully by first connecting with yourself.
It is my passion and mission to support as many parents as possible through Raising Spirit.
I believe that as I have first-hand experience of what life is like to parent a child with complex barriers to learning and a host of physical and social challenges, I am able to share some of that vulnerability – having lived through it. I intend for my experience, compassion and empathy to support other parents of children with special needs and to make a long-lasting impact to your life.
My personal experience and understanding of what it is like to parent a child with special needs allows me to hold a unique position as a coach and complementary healthcare practitioner. My ambition is always to help you ensure your personal journey raising a child with special educational needs is met with compassion for your child but also and most importantly for you as a parent.
“Start by doing what’s necessary then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” Francis of Assisi
The power of reflexology for SEND children
How symptoms associated with non-neuro typical children, autistic spectrum disorders or those diagnosed with developmental delay or learning deficits can benefit from regular reflexology
Global delay & learning deficits
My son, was diagnosed with a ‘global delay’ early on due to having hypermobile joints and low muscle tone. He didn’t walk until he was almost three and all developmental progress was slow. His first tooth finally appeared at 14 months and the entire process was agonising for everyone.
‘Global delay’ is the term used when a child isn’t hitting developmental milestones in one or more areas. With my son it included gross motor (due to low muscle tone), which led to fine motor challenges (creating issues with self-care and eating). As well as speech & language delays. It seemed across the board he wasn’t quite where he needed to be.
Toilet training struggles
At the age of almost five, it became apparent he had digestive transit issues as well. He had always presented with a slightly distended tummy but he was having regular bowl movements and no one had voiced any concerns. However, despite successful toilet training with No’ 1,sorting No’2 was proving to be a considerable challenge. It was after months of getting nowhere, I managed a referral to his consultant at the hospital who upon extensive examination and a number of X-Rays diagnosed ‘severe faecal impaction’. Despite regular movements, what we had seen was an overflow scenario and he was literally ‘full of it’ from top to bottom.
The PACE clinic at our local hospital had over 250 kids on the books at that time, in our area alone, with parents suffering the same situation. Ours was a particularly severe case and it would take over a year to sort – possibly a lot longer and there were no guarantees!
Faecal Impaction
We set about a programme of careful nutrition, a gluten free diet, pints of a drug called Movicol (to loosen the stools) and daily reflexology. Having trained with the Bayly School of Reflexology back in 2004, I had long used my knowledge to help with his various childhood symptoms, but my experience really came into its own with this situation.
I would stimulate the colon, lymph system and intestine reflexes on a daily basis (sometimes twice daily) and to the astonishment of the consultants, Santi was clear and toilet trained in under a year. It took significant effort with added extras such as juicing raw beetroots before school (to aid digestion). He had many days out of school and on the days he did go, he took up to seven changes of trousers and pants with him for his Teaching Assistants to deal with the inevitable. At times of major ‘clear out’ he was kept out of school, it took three stints of up to 8 pints of Movicol Paediatric a day to fully break and evacuate it all. I did not use nappies – as in the long term it would set us back with toilet training. It was SO tough, looking back I don’t know how we got through but the pain was worthwhile. The regime worked.
Had it not been for my knowledge of anatomy and very careful management of his diet and fluid intake as well as reflexology he would no doubt still have issues. We met many children with parents along the way, I always tried to offer as much guidance as I could and encourage them to carefully manage nutrition. My results came from my full commitment to the regime. It is my belief, that had I not been able to complement the medical treatment with Reflexology and stimulating the bowel, we would not have arrived to the healthy boy I have today.
Digestive transit issues associated with special needs kids
My son is not diagnosed with autism or any other ‘syndrome’ but he does attend a special school to help compensate with his learning difficulties. The challenges we face on a day-to-day basis are similar to children on the spectrum. He has sensory processing challenges and various other developmental and neurological difficulties. Throughout our journey, I have gained an incredible amount of insight, knowledge and experience of the world of SEN (special educational needs), and the struggle that many of the kids and parents face both emotionally and medically.
For my son, the doctors did not give any concrete explanation of how or why it happened. In my view it is threefold: 1) a slower peristalsis and digestive transit due to muscle tone, 2) less activity in his early years than an average toddler due to hypermobile joints and difficulty moving around, 3) IBS related symptoms due to his various challenges / anxiety playing a factor.
The picture is similar with many of the other children I have met. It is very common for children diagnosed with Down’s syndrome to suffer from low muscle tone and faecal impaction. It is also very common for children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism (ASD), Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) to suffer from anxiety related gut / brain issues which create IBS type symptoms.
Reflexology – a little goes a long way
Relaxation, as all of us know, is such a crucial aspect to reducing stress and anxiety related issues. In my experience with non-neuro typical children there are complex issues that result in a host of digestive transit challenges. The brain gut connection is so fundamental. If you consider that people with anxiety related issues suffer from IBS and related problems, then it is logical that children who are stressed - due to sensory challenges - are likely to have similar problems with their gut. Many have very sensitive systems and need a very ‘clean’ diet. It is important that parents are empowered with techniques to combat these situations. By looking at diet and learning some simple reflexology techniques parents can really start to support their child’s digestive transit as well as create a state of calm – which is going to be hugely beneficial.
Quite often it is impractical to offer a ‘full Reflexology treatment’ to children – especially those with hyperactivity or other challenges. In my experience a small amount of reflexology, on a regular basis can assist in a number of ways. Firstly, the relaxation benefits of treatment as it is incredibly calming, and this is invaluable. Stimulating the solar plexus point provides relaxation, the spine works on the neural pathways, the digestive tract tackles anxiety related IBS symptoms and the lymphatics system increases elimination. This all goes a long way to good health and on small feet can be treated within 10 minutes.
Every little helps with a child with learning difficulties, developmental delays, special needs or any of the many syndromes and other diagnosis that are appearing.
Helping parents
Parents of SEND children have to be incredibly resilient. I think we would all agree that creating a space of calm would be top of our list. Whilst a full reflexology treatment on us (as parents) would also be wonderful, equipping ourselves with as much knowledge as possible to support our children is often our priority. All we want to do is the best we can for our kids. Reflexology is non-invasive and hugely empowering for SEND parents. Encouraging knowledge share of how Reflexology can help support SEND families is one of the pillar stones behind Raising Spirit.
On a SEN Mission: Striving for a better future for parents of non-neuro typical children
This is my first blog to welcome you to Raising Spirit.
It took adrenal burnout, a near breakdown and the loss of my major work contract to tip me over the point of no return and to seriously re-evaluate my life and what was going on for me. An unfulfilling career had been an ongoing factor for years, but as a single mum with a child on the disability register – the contract was a 'god send’ ! It enabled me to work from home, exhausted but not be seen, cry and have no one be any wiser. At least I was being paid well and could wash the shitty pants and scrub the toilet when required in my lunch break!
Life was good!!
Well, I survived but the fatigue started to take its toll after I eventually got my son into the right school. It had followed years of battle with the local education authority and ridiculous amounts of private therapy assessments, endless sleepless nights for one reason or another and having to move homes five times, that’s an average of every other year with a child with sensory issues – you get the picture!
So, Raising Spirit evolved from the fatigue and the need to get it all out, a cathartic process that before I knew it was 70,000 words long with one clear focus. Help others to get through their journeys and not end up in the same state as me. Turn everything i'd learnt into a positive attribute, all the hard times, all the pain - be a positive contribution.
Helping parents of non-nuero typical children find their way through the dark times and into the light has become my mission. The statistics speak for themselves, marital breakdowns, loss of careers, depression, anxiety, stress: These parents have the hardest job in the world and it is made harder by the systems, society and the fact it is just torturous loving our little spirits with all our might and wondering how on earth they will ever find their way.
It is utterly exhausting: finding the therapy, doing the therapy, getting the diagnosis, sticking to the job, the family. The demands are high and so are the stakes.
Raising Spirit, aims to reach these parents and help. Coaching, workshops, advice, alternative therapy guidance and resources. I hope your journey with Raising Spirit truly supports you on your path to a sense of freedom and peace of mind with your children.
A favourite quote:
“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is!”
